“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 (NIV)
Growth. Growth is never easy and we are never ready for it. Growth requires change and we usually don’t like change. Change requires us to be brave, courageous and trusting.
With growth there will also be growing pains. I once heard someone say that, “Pain demands to be felt.” You cannot hide your pain, but you also cannot let it consume you. Feeling pain, while also allowing it to help you continue to grow will strengthen you, teach you perseverance and give you a new understanding of compassion.
One of the most painful moments I have experienced was the day before Aaron passed away. He had already lost consciousness and the doctors kept telling us that it was a miracle he was still holding on. He should’ve passed away 3 nights ago when they told us he wouldn’t last until morning, but he kept holding on. They said that even though the cancer was all throughout his body, his heart was still strong. I was so confused and afraid, but on May 4, 2012, I wrote these words in my journal:
“Today is a very surreal day. That is really the only word I can think of to describe our current situation. I am sitting beside my husband just watching his every breath until Jesus decides to take him and Aaron decides to let go. I have so many mixed emotions… I want God to take him, so that he can be happy and healthy… But the human side of me just wants him to stay here with me for as long as he can. I never thought that our story would end up like this, me at his side, waiting for Jesus to take him home. The human body is such a complex thing, but so is the heart. Aaron’s heart and love is so big for us, his family. I keep praying that God will help him let go, but now I am also praying that God will help me let go and hold on to Him. Father, give me the strength and courage I will need for these next steps. I can’t even imagine how hard this will be, but I trust you. I trust your faithfulness. I trust your love. Your grace is sufficient for me.”
The very next day, literally hours before Aaron passed away, I opened up my NLT Study Bible and God brought me right to Psalm 139 and beneath it was a study labeled “The Heart”:
The Hebrew words leb and kebab (both meaning “heart”) are hard to translate because they rarely refer to the physical human heart. Rather, the heart is the center of one’s being, an image for a person’s thought life, reflections, and will. The story of the heart reveals a person’s commitment and direction in life.
The psalmists, in the Bible, openly confess their sorrow, trouble, anguish, and despair. Through their pain, their hearts grow. They pray intensely, long for God, trust Him, and open their hearts to God’s examination. Their commitment does not waver, and their lives are pure and contended, even broken.
As their broken hearts are healed by the Lord, they become strong, confident, and vital. In the end, the Lord gives them the desires of their hearts and then satisfies them. This fills the godly with joy and praise.
I absolutely love the way the psalmist describes “The Heart”. That through their pain, their hearts grow. Although painful, we have to keep holding on because growing today will make us stronger for tomorrow. There will be many ups and downs. Growth is hard. But, we must move up from here. Relationships change, comforts change, there will be disappointments, but there will also be joy.
This growth journey I have been on has been FAR from perfect and its been really, really hard; but like my sweet Noraa always sings, “You are stronger than you know!” It’s from one of her favorite Disney shows, Sofia the First, and she always seems to sing it when I need to hear it most. We are all stronger than we know because HE is stronger. We have so much to look forward to. This is not our home. God has given us hope and I love how Randy Alcorn describes this in his book, Heaven… “If we can see through the fog and picture our eternal home in our minds eye, it will comfort and energize us.”
One of my favorite songs right now is “See You Again”, by Charlie Puth. This song has been stirring up so many different emotions in me since it came out months ago. It was written for The Fast and Furious 7 movie and it is a tribute to the late, Paul Walker, and its message is powerful. My favorite part of the song is the chorus:
Its been a long day without you, my friend
And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again
We’ve come a long way from where we began
Oh, I tell you all about it when I see you again
When I see you again
There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of Aaron. Everyday there are moments I experience that I wish he was experiencing with me. I miss him. I miss being married to him. I miss being his wife. I miss my best friend. But with God’s amazing grace and strength, Noraa and I have come a long way from where we began and we can’t wait to tell him all about it when we see him again.
Growth is never easy and we are never ready for it. It’s going to be new and we are going to be new, but if we choose to hold on God will take us on the most incredible journey.
Running With Peace 